So Simple

You eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Simple, right?
I've been delving into when my eating troubles started.  It seems I may have been a compulsive eater for longer than I thought.  I remember one time we were camping and my uncle said something like, "you can't eat all that."  I'm not sure what I was trying to prove, but I do remember the feeling of being so full and feeling sick.  Another time we were at a banquet and someone said, "You can't eat all that."  It was a huge plate of mashed potatoes, massive, way too much for any child under the age of ten to eat.  Too much for anybody to eat.  But I did it.  What the heck was I trying to prove?
Then we skip ahead to when I was about 13 or 14.  My parents had started homeschooling us.  Even though I really disliked school (I was so shy) I missed seeing the friends that I'd had since I was 5.  I was lonely.  I remember just stuffing my face with something odd -bran muffins stuffed with butter and raisins (there was many more instances but that's the one I remember).  I snuck upstairs so no one would see me and stuffed myself, but I was still lonely. 
It seems I have a habit of not letting myself feel my feelings and using food to stuff the emotion down.
I recently discovered this when my hubby's grandmother died.  I loved her.  I ate and ate for two days not wanting my children to see me lose it and bawl my eyes out.  Then the kids went with the hubby for a couple hours and the floodgates opened and I felt lighter, released from my food demons for a while.  But the day of the funeral, not wanting to let people see me cry I stuffed my face with so many sweets and sandwiches, and onion rings on the way home.  I was in agony on our three hour drive home and when we arrived got sick, I didn't even have to make myself throw up.  Honestly, it may a been a touch of the flu since I'd been feeling a little sick all day.  And yet I stuffed myself.  Yep, I know it doesn't make sense but there is no logic here.  Just trying to not feel the emotions.
Why not let myself feel the emotions?  The pain isn't going to kill me or hurt me.
If I confront what's really bothering me instead letting everything build up inside me until I blow up or stuff the anger down with food.
My eyes have been opened. 
This is still going to take a long time to work through, it is such a habit.  I don't want to live a half-lived life.  I want to feel utter joy and happiness.  I realize that means I need to feel the other side of the spectrum too, the grief, the sadness, the pain. 
But it won't kill me and won't it be worth it?