DONE

I finished my last treatments three weeks ago.

"I'm feeling more like myself."

"I am doing okay."

These are a few of the things I've been telling people these days.

In truth, I'm not sure what normal feels like or if I will ever feel it again. I can't do the things I could a year ago. Physically, I'm drained. My body bears scars of my ordeal. An ordeal some days, a journey on others. Depends on how I feel.

I feel angry a lot. And scared.

Now that treatment is done and there is nothing actively being done to keep cancer away I feel scared. Uncertain.

What do I do now?

Is there a magic diet I should follow?

What did I do wrong in the first place that gave me the dreaded cancer?

Everyone has opinions. And I don't even hardly know what mine is anymore.

I'm so tired.

I met so many amazing people. Some are still actively undergoing treatment. Some are recently done. Some have been in remission for a few years. Others for many years. But the fear remains, I think, for all of us.

I thought when I was done I would be done. So happy. So free. But every time I look at myself naked in a mirror all I see is the burns and the scars. Permanent reminders of the scariest most uncertain time of my life.

But I'm still standing. I go on.

You, who also have been through this, understand, right? I'm not alone in this.

Surgery

I am so glad the chemotherapy is done. I still have a few side effects but they are getting less and less which is such a blessing. 

Now for stage 2.

My surgery is next Tuesday. I thought I'd be cool with it but as it turns out...I'm freaking out a little bit. I was going to go with just a lumpectomy, but I have a feeling that I will worry that the cancer is still there. So I'm going with the mastectomy. I never thought I'd be one to get breast cancer and have to be dealing with this. One never does though. 

I went for Reiki today. I'm so lucky to have someone who has been through cancer, and who understands the feelings I'm having, able to help me cope with my fears. As a result, I'm feeling calmer than I did yesterday. I can breathe.

I can't even offer any platitudes to others going through cancer. It is a scary time. 

This time next year I will look back and go "wow, I never thought I'd get through that but here I am."

I hope that I can one day offer comfort to someone else who is walking the same path. 

I flow with life.

Last time in the chair

I know I should be sleeping. I need my rest but the pills I take the day before chemo keep me awake. I'm also excited, tomorrow is my last day in the chair. Eight times in all.

 The next step is surgery and I'm really torn, a lumpectomy or just bite the bullet and do the mastectomy. The edges of my tumor are undefined and so if they do the lumpectomy and miss some I'm going to have to go back under. Decisions, decisions and I'm the queen of procrastination. 

A detox or something will be needed ASAP too. I've got so much crap in my system right now. I went from a person who barely took Tylenol to a walking medicine cabinet (yes exaggerating but damn). 

Also, I've gained almost twenty-five pounds which completely sucks because that's the weight I lost last winter before I was diagnosed. They have good meds these days, the stereotypical skin and bones, bald cancer patient is pretty much a thing of the past. 

My hair is also growing back. What a relief. There was always that fear that it wouldn't so, whew. 

Just wanting my life back. Slowly but surely this too shall pass. What a learning experience. I will be more compassionate  to people, all people because you don't always know the demons they're facing.