A Year in the LIfe of a Cancer Survivor

The last year has been harder than I thought it was going to be.

I thought that once my chemo, surgery, and radiation were done life would be a walk in the park.

A little over a month after my treatments were done a friend passed away. We'd known each other for years and had reconnected when we both were doing cancer treatments in the same centre. She started hers a month after mine. It was a real blow to have her leave me and to see her husband and three daughters devastated by her passing. I think about her every day.

I had an ultra-sound just before Christmas because I found a lump on my collar bone. There was definitely something there so I had a biopsy shortly after the new year. Not the way I wanted to bring the New Year in. Terrifying how all my fears were brought back until I heard the magic words it's nothing just an angry lymph node. 

Smooth sailing until April when I went for my MRI. I got a call from the Cancer Clinic after that one. They had found lumps in my other breast. I have to tell you, I went to pieces. I cried for three days until I went to get the biopsy. They did a second look ultra-sound, a very thorough one, and sent me home without doing a biopsy. The lumps looked too uniform and round to be the dreaded cancer he figured. I pray to God that he is right or I'm sitting here right now oblivious to the fact that I'm slowly dying.

There have been some downs but there have also been amazing ups this year too. I went to Victoria BC with my sister. I've watched my daughters thrive and grow. My green house is bursting with life. I'm running again and feeling fitter and healthier than I have in a long time. I'll be celebrating my 40th birthday soon and I'm grateful to see it. There's so many things worse than turning 40. How about never turning 40. There are so many miracles and wonders if I just take the time to look for them and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do just that.


A hummingbird visited me on the anniversary of my friend's death and I like to think that was a sign from her telling me she thinks of me too. 

DONE

I finished my last treatments three weeks ago.

"I'm feeling more like myself."

"I am doing okay."

These are a few of the things I've been telling people these days.

In truth, I'm not sure what normal feels like or if I will ever feel it again. I can't do the things I could a year ago. Physically, I'm drained. My body bears scars of my ordeal. An ordeal some days, a journey on others. Depends on how I feel.

I feel angry a lot. And scared.

Now that treatment is done and there is nothing actively being done to keep cancer away I feel scared. Uncertain.

What do I do now?

Is there a magic diet I should follow?

What did I do wrong in the first place that gave me the dreaded cancer?

Everyone has opinions. And I don't even hardly know what mine is anymore.

I'm so tired.

I met so many amazing people. Some are still actively undergoing treatment. Some are recently done. Some have been in remission for a few years. Others for many years. But the fear remains, I think, for all of us.

I thought when I was done I would be done. So happy. So free. But every time I look at myself naked in a mirror all I see is the burns and the scars. Permanent reminders of the scariest most uncertain time of my life.

But I'm still standing. I go on.

You, who also have been through this, understand, right? I'm not alone in this.

Surgery

I am so glad the chemotherapy is done. I still have a few side effects but they are getting less and less which is such a blessing. 

Now for stage 2.

My surgery is next Tuesday. I thought I'd be cool with it but as it turns out...I'm freaking out a little bit. I was going to go with just a lumpectomy, but I have a feeling that I will worry that the cancer is still there. So I'm going with the mastectomy. I never thought I'd be one to get breast cancer and have to be dealing with this. One never does though. 

I went for Reiki today. I'm so lucky to have someone who has been through cancer, and who understands the feelings I'm having, able to help me cope with my fears. As a result, I'm feeling calmer than I did yesterday. I can breathe.

I can't even offer any platitudes to others going through cancer. It is a scary time. 

This time next year I will look back and go "wow, I never thought I'd get through that but here I am."

I hope that I can one day offer comfort to someone else who is walking the same path. 

I flow with life.

Last time in the chair

I know I should be sleeping. I need my rest but the pills I take the day before chemo keep me awake. I'm also excited, tomorrow is my last day in the chair. Eight times in all.

 The next step is surgery and I'm really torn, a lumpectomy or just bite the bullet and do the mastectomy. The edges of my tumor are undefined and so if they do the lumpectomy and miss some I'm going to have to go back under. Decisions, decisions and I'm the queen of procrastination. 

A detox or something will be needed ASAP too. I've got so much crap in my system right now. I went from a person who barely took Tylenol to a walking medicine cabinet (yes exaggerating but damn). 

Also, I've gained almost twenty-five pounds which completely sucks because that's the weight I lost last winter before I was diagnosed. They have good meds these days, the stereotypical skin and bones, bald cancer patient is pretty much a thing of the past. 

My hair is also growing back. What a relief. There was always that fear that it wouldn't so, whew. 

Just wanting my life back. Slowly but surely this too shall pass. What a learning experience. I will be more compassionate  to people, all people because you don't always know the demons they're facing.

Curves

Honestly this year has thrown more than a few curve balls my families way. It's enough to make a person stay in bed with the covers pulled over their head. Staying positive has been a difficult feeling to maintain. And I've had more than a few pity parties.

The hardest hit was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer July 16/14. I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It drastically changed my life. I went from an active, healthy woman with nary a care in the world to a person being poked and prodded and told that the medicine that would make me better would make me sick. It was a lot to take in and I was terrified. I have now finished my 4th chemo treatment and I have 4 left. Then surgery and radiation. The chemo does indeed make me sick, for a week after I generally have heart burn and nausea. My head wants to do things but my body says "Uh Uh".

 My little girls have been great and they give me a reason to keep getting up in the morning. It does feel like a punch to the heart, though, when they ask if I'm going to die. My oldest is not sleeping and suffers from tummy aches at night and I feel so bad for her, knowing I'm the cause of her anxiety.

I know I don't have it nearly as hard as some do. I have an amazing group of people that support me. Neighbors that bring meals by. Family that can take my girls at a moment's notice. Texts, emails and phone calls. They all mean so much. If I take anything away from this it's the fact that people facing illness maybe don't want you to even mention the illness. They just want you to treat them like you always did. Something I always had trouble with was knowing what to say to people going through hard times. I would simply avoid them. Now I know. Don't avoid them just be there. Even just a simple text saying "thinking about you" is all it takes to lift my spirits.

The Non-Sewers DIY Dog Bed

Does your dog do this?

It is so frustrating when you buy your little buddies a bed to keep them comfy and they destroy it.
We got a puppy back in March and bought our old girl a bed too since she really liked the new puppy's bed.  She wouldn't let the poor little guy use it.  Just like kids lol.
My hubby has been lamenting about the mess, and I'm sick of picking this stuffing up every single day and putting it back in.

I'm a non-sewer.  I even went to 4H sewing and disliked it strongly.  I just don't have any urge to sew.  It was hell when I took pants over to my parents house and they made me hem them myself.  Hell, I tell you.

So...my dogs needed new beds and I don't sew and I'm certainly not spending more money (I'm hoping that I can just recover these as needed) on cushy beds for my brats.  So...

I went to Walmart and bought a couple of cushions for patio chairs (if I'd had more time I would have went looking at yard sales for the best deal).

my patio cushion

I'm also a great believer in duct tape.  So I folded my cushion in half and strategically taped it.

folded in half and taped in four spots

I bought a couple cheap fake-wool dog bed to make it more comfortable.  You could probably use an old sweater or comforter, whatever you had handy.

dog bed on top of my folded cushion

I was going to buy some fleece fabric, but it seemed like such a waste of time to go looking for a fabric store that I just bought super cheap fleece blankets at Walmart ($5.00 each).

put the folded cushion and bed on top of blanket and fold blanket over 

I cut into the blanket further than the current fringe and just tied top and bottom strips together, working my way around the entire bed.

And tada...

a bed he was on within 5 minutes.  

So it was well worth the effort.  And so far (knock on wood) they haven't been chewing on this one.  There isn't really anything for them to pull out anyway but still.

Now to get bed #2 done for the Ol' Girl.

Making Jam

Today's endeavor was making jam.  We are lucky enough to have a truck come once a week to our small town loaded down with fresh fruit and veggies from B.C.  This week I bought a big bunch of sweet cherries and some apricots. Strawberries and cases of mangoes were on sale at the grocery store so I got some of those as well.

The recipes that come in the boxes of Certo contain so much sugar that I thought I would try to lessen it and see how it affects the overall quality of the jam.  I suspect it might not set up as thick, but I would sacrifice a little thickness for less sugar.

No-Cook Cherry Jam

4 cups chopped, pitted sweet cherries (I munched them up in the food processor)
2  Tbsp lemon juice
2 cups sugar (it was 3 cups)
1 box Certo light Pectin crystals

Put the prepared cherries into a bowl.  Add lemon juice.

Measure sugar and set aside.

Combine fruit pectin crystals with 1/4 cup of the measured sugar.

Add pectin mixture to fruit, mixing well.  Let stand for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Stir in remaining sugar and continue stirring for 3 minutes until the sugar has dissolved.

Pour into clean jars or plastic freezer containers.  Cover with tight lids and let stand at room temperature until set (may take up to 24 hours).  With no-cook jams your jars do not need to be sterilized.

Store in freezer.  If used within 3 weeks, jam may be stored in refrigerator.
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No-Cook Strawberry Mango Jam

1 1/2 cups crushed mango (about 3 fully ripe mangos)
3/4 cup crushed strawberries
2 cups sugar (recipe called for 5)
3 Tbsp lemon juice
1 pouch Certo liquid pectin

Measure prepared fruit into a large bowl.

Add sugar to fruit and mix will.  Let stand 10 minutes.

Stir in liquid fruit pectin and lemon juice.

Continue to stir for 3 minutes to dissolve the sugar.

Pour into clean jars or plastic freezer containers and cover with tight lids and let stand at room temperature until set (may take up to 24 hours).

Store in freezer.  If used within 3 weeks, jams may be stored in refrigerator.
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My cherry jam appears to be setting up nicely but the Strawberry Mango jam needs work.  It tastes good but I may have cut the sugar back too far because it is still runny.  Oh well, it'll make a nice syrup for pancakes.  I may attempt an apricot jam or apricot cherry jam tomorrow.