Well, I've bit the bullet and joined a group to help me with my Bulimia.

It's hard to admit it out loud.  I don't want people's view of me to change, but something has to change so I can get past this.  I've been doing it far to long and it is getting increasingly hard to hide from my daughters.  They're so inquisitive. 

One day at a time, one hour, one minute until I can say I'm recovered.  Fully.

Mommy, are you fat?

My oldest daughter recently asked me, "Mommy, are you fat?"
I replied with a resounding, "NO!".  Then asked her, "Do I look fat?"
She said, "No, but when your shirt comes up your tummy kinda is."
Ah, stretch marks.  Gotta love 'em.
Well honey my tummy is never going to look smooth ever again there's always going to be that pooch there unless I get some work done.

Then, the other day we were all laying in bed together, my hubby and the two girls and the toy poodle, and I had my legs propped up against the head board because I suffer from varicose veins.  I was wearing shorts because we are in the middle of our once-a-year heat wave and my DD#1 says, "Your legs are jiggly."  Jeez, give a girl a break all ready.

Granted I could stand to lose ten pounds but still it's tough to hear when your kids start to notice your jiggly parts.  I'm also trying to not be on a "diet" but to focus on healthy foods and exercise to keep our hearts and muscles strong to help my daughters.  I've been on a diet since I was in elementary school and I don't want that for my girls.

So here's to little girls with inquisitive minds who are encouraged to voice their opinions, and to a future of girls who aren't dieting but are strong in mind and body.

Newest Distractions

My hubby surprised me by buying a couple little pygmy nanny goats.  He insists that he hates goats.  Hmmm.  My tough guy doesn't seem to dislike them as much as he says he does.  Me thinks he protests too much...
Besides who could hate something that is so darn cute.  You be the judge.

Popper and Bella

Bella

Popper

I had Pygmy goats when I was a kid and they were great pets so I'm sure my girls are going to love them. 

Rain Rain Go Away

Good grief I think it has been raining for a week, that's most likely an exaggeration but it sure would be nice to see the sun.  I have fencing and outdoor work to do and I don't have proper rain gear.  I guess my winter coat would work but I don't want to rip it on barbed wire when I'm stapling up fallen wires.  It can wait, I suppose, since the cows aren't coming until the end of June but I feel so guilty when the hubby is out getting soaked in the rain and I'm watching from the window drinking a hot cup of tea.  But it was his idea to move the fence out.  He gets bored when he's home, he's not the type to sit on his butt day after day.  So he makes projects for himself and I somehow get drug into them.

My garden is in under the protective covering of the greenhouse and is growing so nice.  Most people around here haven't even got their gardens in yet since it's been a bit chilly and wet.  The only problem I have now is with the ants that have taken up residence, they seem to think the greenhouse is an ideal place to be.  So I've been digging out the worst of them and drowning the rest every time I go out.  I'm trying to make life as unpleasant for them as I can without resorting to poisons, hopefully they get the hint.

The DH has also bought a couple pygmy nanny goats.  I had pygmy goats when I was a teenager and I loved them.  A dog ended up killing most of my small herd and it broke my heart.  I didn't ask for them though I really think it's going to be nice getting some critters again.  The girls should love them too.  The hubby just keeps saying, "I don't know why I'm doing this, I hate goats!"  How can anyone hate something that is so cute.  They should be weaned mid-June and now we have to get them a pen and shelter.

My DD#1 has been hounding me to go bike riding.  I remember bike riding a lot as a kid but it sure hurts the rear end now.  The upside is it should help with the weight loss efforts.

So despite the rain it is nice to look out and see the green grass growing and the new leaves on the trees. 

Yogurt and Kefir and Quark, oh my!

Well, I have decided to undertake making my own yogurt, kefir and quark. 

I received my yogurt maker on Monday.  So far it's been trial and error.  Mostly I need to be patient and let things incubate a little longer.

I ordered some kefir grains and I'm quite excited to see how that goes.  They should be here next Monday.  Kefir is supposed to be really good for getting your internal flora back on track and I need all the help I can get with that.  Since I had the flu back at Christmas things have just not been the same. 

Kefir contains Lactobacillus Caucasus, Acetobacter species, and Saccharomyces (yeast), all known for their ability to get through the lining of the digestive tract.  They colonize the intestinal lining, and "escort" the harmful intruders potentially residing there.   So as a result it should be easier for your body to ward off internal pathogens like intestinal parasites and E. coli. (taken from Home Dairy with Ashley English).

As for the quark, I think I will go back to my old way of just incubating butter milk and then straining it ( How to make quark cheese ).  I've got a new gadget that I'm absolutely loving.  No more strainer and cheesecloth, it's the Cuisipro Donvier Yogurt Cheese Maker.  I found mine on Amazon.ca

Yogurt yum

I absolutely love Greek yogurt and quark but they are pricey and hard to find where I'm at here in the boonies : )  I get the Liberte Greek yogurt at Costco sinceI don't get there very often I ration it.  I get quark at Superstore.  I heard recently that President's Choice carries a line of Greek yogurt now too.  I'll have to make a trip to the city and go looking for it.  MAYBE...
I just purchased a Yolife yogurt maker, though I haven't received it yet.  I'm excited.  I have made quark in my oven but it doesn't always turn out so maybe the yogurt maker will heighten my chances of success.   I also bought a yogurt cheese maker to make the process easier (hopefully) instead of strainers and cheesecloth.  My dad says he used to make yogurt in the oven when we were kids; I have very vague recollections so it's probably not something that he did for the long haul.  I also remember him making bean sprouts, vaguely.  One health kick after another, no wonder I am like I am : )
I am getting a little bit paranoid about preservatives and sugar in the foods we buy from the store especially for my kids.  If I get them used to eating a certain way as small children it should help them later in life (I hope).  They eat my Greek yogurt when I do so I don't foresee any trouble switching completely to our own yogurt.  Now if only I had a cow...I really am kidding about that one.  A cow is a lot of work, they expect to be milked twice a day regardless of what is going on in your life.  My mom milked cows before and after school when she was a teenager.

Contentment?

I'm trying to be content despite my shortcomings and failings.
I'm trying to release my tension and try not to be perfect.
Take the focus off me and realize I live in paradise and I am blessed.

Maybe I will eventually learn to be content with the person I am so that I can be the person I was meant to be.

Trust me

I've been off the diet wagon for about a month.  My scale is hidden away and I weigh in once a week.  So far my weight is staying stable.   I'm learning to trust myself, my hunger, my feelings.  If I'm hungry (as in stomach growling) I eat, what I want.
 BUT I have to sit down and breathe.  I take a bite and set down my fork.  I try not to act like I'm starving, and that if I don't inhale the whole content of whatever is on my plate I will certainly starve to death.  Not bloody likely.  I have to admit I'm having a hard time telling when I'm full though.
  I use a very small plate (about 7" diameter).  It may seem foolish but I have discovered it takes very little to actually satisfy me.  If I eat when I'm hungry I'll have a better chance of stopping when I'm full.  If I'm in a eat-anything-that-doesn't-eat-me-first mood I can pack away a lot of food.  Now, though, because I have generally been eating a lot less at a sitting it takes a lot less to make me feel physically sick.  But I refuse to throw up.  No more punishing myself like that.  I just eat the next time I'm hungry.  I don't deprive myself because that will just send my into that nasty binge/purge/ do it again cycle.
I still don't completely trust myself though.  I keep thinking that it would be so much easier to go back to the way I did things before.
The way it is now I eat when I'm hungry, and feel what I feel.  The point is not to eat to block out the pain and sadness or boredom.  Because when you are done scarfing down everything in sight the pain, sadness and boredom will still be there.
I ask myself:  What do I really, really want to be doing right now?  Usually my answer is not eating but laying down for a few minutes with a book or watching a movie.  I usually don't let myself have down time during the day, I'm afraid that I will let myself relax too much and I'll become a lazy log and I won't get anything done, my house will fall into disrepair, my kids will run wild and watch too much TV. 
I think I have control issues but we'll leave that for another day.

All you need

"All you have is all you need.  But more than that, all you have is all you could possibly want."
--Sarah Ban Breathnach--