Trust me

I've been off the diet wagon for about a month.  My scale is hidden away and I weigh in once a week.  So far my weight is staying stable.   I'm learning to trust myself, my hunger, my feelings.  If I'm hungry (as in stomach growling) I eat, what I want.
 BUT I have to sit down and breathe.  I take a bite and set down my fork.  I try not to act like I'm starving, and that if I don't inhale the whole content of whatever is on my plate I will certainly starve to death.  Not bloody likely.  I have to admit I'm having a hard time telling when I'm full though.
  I use a very small plate (about 7" diameter).  It may seem foolish but I have discovered it takes very little to actually satisfy me.  If I eat when I'm hungry I'll have a better chance of stopping when I'm full.  If I'm in a eat-anything-that-doesn't-eat-me-first mood I can pack away a lot of food.  Now, though, because I have generally been eating a lot less at a sitting it takes a lot less to make me feel physically sick.  But I refuse to throw up.  No more punishing myself like that.  I just eat the next time I'm hungry.  I don't deprive myself because that will just send my into that nasty binge/purge/ do it again cycle.
I still don't completely trust myself though.  I keep thinking that it would be so much easier to go back to the way I did things before.
The way it is now I eat when I'm hungry, and feel what I feel.  The point is not to eat to block out the pain and sadness or boredom.  Because when you are done scarfing down everything in sight the pain, sadness and boredom will still be there.
I ask myself:  What do I really, really want to be doing right now?  Usually my answer is not eating but laying down for a few minutes with a book or watching a movie.  I usually don't let myself have down time during the day, I'm afraid that I will let myself relax too much and I'll become a lazy log and I won't get anything done, my house will fall into disrepair, my kids will run wild and watch too much TV. 
I think I have control issues but we'll leave that for another day.

All you need

"All you have is all you need.  But more than that, all you have is all you could possibly want."
--Sarah Ban Breathnach--

So Simple

You eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Simple, right?
I've been delving into when my eating troubles started.  It seems I may have been a compulsive eater for longer than I thought.  I remember one time we were camping and my uncle said something like, "you can't eat all that."  I'm not sure what I was trying to prove, but I do remember the feeling of being so full and feeling sick.  Another time we were at a banquet and someone said, "You can't eat all that."  It was a huge plate of mashed potatoes, massive, way too much for any child under the age of ten to eat.  Too much for anybody to eat.  But I did it.  What the heck was I trying to prove?
Then we skip ahead to when I was about 13 or 14.  My parents had started homeschooling us.  Even though I really disliked school (I was so shy) I missed seeing the friends that I'd had since I was 5.  I was lonely.  I remember just stuffing my face with something odd -bran muffins stuffed with butter and raisins (there was many more instances but that's the one I remember).  I snuck upstairs so no one would see me and stuffed myself, but I was still lonely. 
It seems I have a habit of not letting myself feel my feelings and using food to stuff the emotion down.
I recently discovered this when my hubby's grandmother died.  I loved her.  I ate and ate for two days not wanting my children to see me lose it and bawl my eyes out.  Then the kids went with the hubby for a couple hours and the floodgates opened and I felt lighter, released from my food demons for a while.  But the day of the funeral, not wanting to let people see me cry I stuffed my face with so many sweets and sandwiches, and onion rings on the way home.  I was in agony on our three hour drive home and when we arrived got sick, I didn't even have to make myself throw up.  Honestly, it may a been a touch of the flu since I'd been feeling a little sick all day.  And yet I stuffed myself.  Yep, I know it doesn't make sense but there is no logic here.  Just trying to not feel the emotions.
Why not let myself feel the emotions?  The pain isn't going to kill me or hurt me.
If I confront what's really bothering me instead letting everything build up inside me until I blow up or stuff the anger down with food.
My eyes have been opened. 
This is still going to take a long time to work through, it is such a habit.  I don't want to live a half-lived life.  I want to feel utter joy and happiness.  I realize that means I need to feel the other side of the spectrum too, the grief, the sadness, the pain. 
But it won't kill me and won't it be worth it?

She's Gone

We were at a Christmas party Saturday night when we got the news.  Grandma passed away.
We were supposed to visit her on Sunday. 
I didn't get to say, "Goodbye."
She would've been 81 today.  I know she was suffering, slowly slipping away, not getting enough air...
But I'm still having trouble knowing that I'm never going to hear her voice again or see her cuddling her great-grand babies.
I miss her.
My DH took our daughters Christmas shopping yesterday and I took the time to have a minor breakdown.
I cried and cried.  Cleansed myself.  I'd felt the grief clawing up my throat threatening to choke me.  It was a relief to finally release it, somewhat.
Now the funeral...

Death in the Family

My mother-in-law just emailed, and Grandma has decided against doing anymore blood transfusions.  The doctors give her two weeks, maybe more.  The DH grandma has been more of a grandmother to me than my own. 

My paternal grandmother died when I was 9 and my maternal grandmother is still alive and kicking.  She's one of those people who should have maybe considered not having kids.  She seems to thrive on the chaos and guilt she creates.  I love her but sometimes...

Anyways, my hubby's grandmother is the type that always remembers to send a card and she tucks a little cash inside.  The card is what matters though, I have every card she's sent me.  She makes an effort for her family and we're all going to miss her terribly.  She's a real sweetheart.  I just hate the thought that Grandma isn't going to make it to Christmas. Maybe she will but I hate to wish for it if it will cause her anymore pain (cervical cancer). I don't want her to suffer.


We lost my great uncle this past week.  He just missed his 100th birthday, he really wanted to hit the 100 but the mind was strong and the body was weak.  Now I'm just waiting for the vultures to land,  they've been circling for a while.  He had no children of his own so it's going to be a fight between the nieces and nephews.  My parents are going to steer clear of the whole thing.  My dad will attend the funeral tomorrow.

Well, I think that's all I'm going to write.  I don't want to blather and drag it out.  Death is a fact of life, and both Grandma and great uncle have lived theirs to the fullest. 
I should do the same.

Old Movies

I recorded some old movies from TCM the other night.  Don Knotts movies-Herbie goes to Monte Carlo and The Incredible Mr. Limpett- the kids love them.  They laughed and laughed when Herbie did his classic car-catwalk, as my daughter called it.  I'm going to look for some more classic Disney movies for them.
I have a huge collection of Katherine Hepburn movies and my sister has Marilyn Monroe.  We grew to love the classics when we were kids and didn't have access to TV because we didn't have an antenna.  But we did have a VCR, eventually.  At first we rented a VCR and movies for a treat but after a while when the price came down we bought one.  But our parent's were very picky about what we watched, our selection usually being what we could get at the church library, hence classics with any bad language bleeped out.   That was all we needed to develop a love of classics.  My favorite actors being Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy, Cary Grant, and James Stewart.  Also, Gracie Burns was absolutely hilarious.

Getting Ready

Today I polished up my story.  I also had a gal from my writer's club do a quick critique on it. 
Now I have my address, easy enough to find on page 3.  I don't get it when I hear all these people saying they can't find an address for them.  They don't have a strong web presence but they aren't a web magazine so there you go.
  All I need is a proper envelope and it's off.  That will be the start for my rejection letters.
  I think I'm a good writer but I know that rejection is part of the process and I think I've accepted that. 
So Woman's World here I come.