A Year in the LIfe of a Cancer Survivor

The last year has been harder than I thought it was going to be.

I thought that once my chemo, surgery, and radiation were done life would be a walk in the park.

A little over a month after my treatments were done a friend passed away. We'd known each other for years and had reconnected when we both were doing cancer treatments in the same centre. She started hers a month after mine. It was a real blow to have her leave me and to see her husband and three daughters devastated by her passing. I think about her every day.

I had an ultra-sound just before Christmas because I found a lump on my collar bone. There was definitely something there so I had a biopsy shortly after the new year. Not the way I wanted to bring the New Year in. Terrifying how all my fears were brought back until I heard the magic words it's nothing just an angry lymph node. 

Smooth sailing until April when I went for my MRI. I got a call from the Cancer Clinic after that one. They had found lumps in my other breast. I have to tell you, I went to pieces. I cried for three days until I went to get the biopsy. They did a second look ultra-sound, a very thorough one, and sent me home without doing a biopsy. The lumps looked too uniform and round to be the dreaded cancer he figured. I pray to God that he is right or I'm sitting here right now oblivious to the fact that I'm slowly dying.

There have been some downs but there have also been amazing ups this year too. I went to Victoria BC with my sister. I've watched my daughters thrive and grow. My green house is bursting with life. I'm running again and feeling fitter and healthier than I have in a long time. I'll be celebrating my 40th birthday soon and I'm grateful to see it. There's so many things worse than turning 40. How about never turning 40. There are so many miracles and wonders if I just take the time to look for them and I'm thankful for the opportunity to do just that.


A hummingbird visited me on the anniversary of my friend's death and I like to think that was a sign from her telling me she thinks of me too. 

DONE

I finished my last treatments three weeks ago.

"I'm feeling more like myself."

"I am doing okay."

These are a few of the things I've been telling people these days.

In truth, I'm not sure what normal feels like or if I will ever feel it again. I can't do the things I could a year ago. Physically, I'm drained. My body bears scars of my ordeal. An ordeal some days, a journey on others. Depends on how I feel.

I feel angry a lot. And scared.

Now that treatment is done and there is nothing actively being done to keep cancer away I feel scared. Uncertain.

What do I do now?

Is there a magic diet I should follow?

What did I do wrong in the first place that gave me the dreaded cancer?

Everyone has opinions. And I don't even hardly know what mine is anymore.

I'm so tired.

I met so many amazing people. Some are still actively undergoing treatment. Some are recently done. Some have been in remission for a few years. Others for many years. But the fear remains, I think, for all of us.

I thought when I was done I would be done. So happy. So free. But every time I look at myself naked in a mirror all I see is the burns and the scars. Permanent reminders of the scariest most uncertain time of my life.

But I'm still standing. I go on.

You, who also have been through this, understand, right? I'm not alone in this.

Surgery

I am so glad the chemotherapy is done. I still have a few side effects but they are getting less and less which is such a blessing. 

Now for stage 2.

My surgery is next Tuesday. I thought I'd be cool with it but as it turns out...I'm freaking out a little bit. I was going to go with just a lumpectomy, but I have a feeling that I will worry that the cancer is still there. So I'm going with the mastectomy. I never thought I'd be one to get breast cancer and have to be dealing with this. One never does though. 

I went for Reiki today. I'm so lucky to have someone who has been through cancer, and who understands the feelings I'm having, able to help me cope with my fears. As a result, I'm feeling calmer than I did yesterday. I can breathe.

I can't even offer any platitudes to others going through cancer. It is a scary time. 

This time next year I will look back and go "wow, I never thought I'd get through that but here I am."

I hope that I can one day offer comfort to someone else who is walking the same path. 

I flow with life.

Last time in the chair

I know I should be sleeping. I need my rest but the pills I take the day before chemo keep me awake. I'm also excited, tomorrow is my last day in the chair. Eight times in all.

 The next step is surgery and I'm really torn, a lumpectomy or just bite the bullet and do the mastectomy. The edges of my tumor are undefined and so if they do the lumpectomy and miss some I'm going to have to go back under. Decisions, decisions and I'm the queen of procrastination. 

A detox or something will be needed ASAP too. I've got so much crap in my system right now. I went from a person who barely took Tylenol to a walking medicine cabinet (yes exaggerating but damn). 

Also, I've gained almost twenty-five pounds which completely sucks because that's the weight I lost last winter before I was diagnosed. They have good meds these days, the stereotypical skin and bones, bald cancer patient is pretty much a thing of the past. 

My hair is also growing back. What a relief. There was always that fear that it wouldn't so, whew. 

Just wanting my life back. Slowly but surely this too shall pass. What a learning experience. I will be more compassionate  to people, all people because you don't always know the demons they're facing.

Curves

Honestly this year has thrown more than a few curve balls my families way. It's enough to make a person stay in bed with the covers pulled over their head. Staying positive has been a difficult feeling to maintain. And I've had more than a few pity parties.

The hardest hit was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer July 16/14. I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It drastically changed my life. I went from an active, healthy woman with nary a care in the world to a person being poked and prodded and told that the medicine that would make me better would make me sick. It was a lot to take in and I was terrified. I have now finished my 4th chemo treatment and I have 4 left. Then surgery and radiation. The chemo does indeed make me sick, for a week after I generally have heart burn and nausea. My head wants to do things but my body says "Uh Uh".

 My little girls have been great and they give me a reason to keep getting up in the morning. It does feel like a punch to the heart, though, when they ask if I'm going to die. My oldest is not sleeping and suffers from tummy aches at night and I feel so bad for her, knowing I'm the cause of her anxiety.

I know I don't have it nearly as hard as some do. I have an amazing group of people that support me. Neighbors that bring meals by. Family that can take my girls at a moment's notice. Texts, emails and phone calls. They all mean so much. If I take anything away from this it's the fact that people facing illness maybe don't want you to even mention the illness. They just want you to treat them like you always did. Something I always had trouble with was knowing what to say to people going through hard times. I would simply avoid them. Now I know. Don't avoid them just be there. Even just a simple text saying "thinking about you" is all it takes to lift my spirits.

The Non-Sewers DIY Dog Bed

Does your dog do this?

It is so frustrating when you buy your little buddies a bed to keep them comfy and they destroy it.
We got a puppy back in March and bought our old girl a bed too since she really liked the new puppy's bed.  She wouldn't let the poor little guy use it.  Just like kids lol.
My hubby has been lamenting about the mess, and I'm sick of picking this stuffing up every single day and putting it back in.

I'm a non-sewer.  I even went to 4H sewing and disliked it strongly.  I just don't have any urge to sew.  It was hell when I took pants over to my parents house and they made me hem them myself.  Hell, I tell you.

So...my dogs needed new beds and I don't sew and I'm certainly not spending more money (I'm hoping that I can just recover these as needed) on cushy beds for my brats.  So...

I went to Walmart and bought a couple of cushions for patio chairs (if I'd had more time I would have went looking at yard sales for the best deal).

my patio cushion

I'm also a great believer in duct tape.  So I folded my cushion in half and strategically taped it.

folded in half and taped in four spots

I bought a couple cheap fake-wool dog bed to make it more comfortable.  You could probably use an old sweater or comforter, whatever you had handy.

dog bed on top of my folded cushion

I was going to buy some fleece fabric, but it seemed like such a waste of time to go looking for a fabric store that I just bought super cheap fleece blankets at Walmart ($5.00 each).

put the folded cushion and bed on top of blanket and fold blanket over 

I cut into the blanket further than the current fringe and just tied top and bottom strips together, working my way around the entire bed.

And tada...

a bed he was on within 5 minutes.  

So it was well worth the effort.  And so far (knock on wood) they haven't been chewing on this one.  There isn't really anything for them to pull out anyway but still.

Now to get bed #2 done for the Ol' Girl.

Making Jam

Today's endeavor was making jam.  We are lucky enough to have a truck come once a week to our small town loaded down with fresh fruit and veggies from B.C.  This week I bought a big bunch of sweet cherries and some apricots. Strawberries and cases of mangoes were on sale at the grocery store so I got some of those as well.

The recipes that come in the boxes of Certo contain so much sugar that I thought I would try to lessen it and see how it affects the overall quality of the jam.  I suspect it might not set up as thick, but I would sacrifice a little thickness for less sugar.

No-Cook Cherry Jam

4 cups chopped, pitted sweet cherries (I munched them up in the food processor)
2  Tbsp lemon juice
2 cups sugar (it was 3 cups)
1 box Certo light Pectin crystals

Put the prepared cherries into a bowl.  Add lemon juice.

Measure sugar and set aside.

Combine fruit pectin crystals with 1/4 cup of the measured sugar.

Add pectin mixture to fruit, mixing well.  Let stand for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Stir in remaining sugar and continue stirring for 3 minutes until the sugar has dissolved.

Pour into clean jars or plastic freezer containers.  Cover with tight lids and let stand at room temperature until set (may take up to 24 hours).  With no-cook jams your jars do not need to be sterilized.

Store in freezer.  If used within 3 weeks, jam may be stored in refrigerator.
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No-Cook Strawberry Mango Jam

1 1/2 cups crushed mango (about 3 fully ripe mangos)
3/4 cup crushed strawberries
2 cups sugar (recipe called for 5)
3 Tbsp lemon juice
1 pouch Certo liquid pectin

Measure prepared fruit into a large bowl.

Add sugar to fruit and mix will.  Let stand 10 minutes.

Stir in liquid fruit pectin and lemon juice.

Continue to stir for 3 minutes to dissolve the sugar.

Pour into clean jars or plastic freezer containers and cover with tight lids and let stand at room temperature until set (may take up to 24 hours).

Store in freezer.  If used within 3 weeks, jams may be stored in refrigerator.
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My cherry jam appears to be setting up nicely but the Strawberry Mango jam needs work.  It tastes good but I may have cut the sugar back too far because it is still runny.  Oh well, it'll make a nice syrup for pancakes.  I may attempt an apricot jam or apricot cherry jam tomorrow.

Going Natural

I am so tired of using a product for years and then all of a sudden there being a problem with an ingredient. This year it seems the item to look out for is Oxybenzone in your sunscreen.  


 "Nearly half of all sunscreens (and many cosmetics) contain oxybenzone. EWG’s Skin Deep Cosmetics Database rates oxybenzone as an “8″ or “high hazard.” According to EWG, this chemical penetrates the skin, gets into the bloodstream and acts like estrogen in the body. It can trigger allergic reactions and health harms including endometriosis in women and low sperm counts in men."
( Read more at livestrong.com: 7 surprises about sunscreen and tanning ).  

So my mom and I are going to take the plunge and try and make our own and see how it measures up.  

Here are a couple blogs to get us started:3 Natural Homemade Sunscreen recipes and how to make your own non-toxic sunscreen.  

I will keep you posted on how this goes.  

Feeling Happier

About a month ago I signed up for a 60-day shred challenge with Tommy Europe (the trainer for shows like Bulging Brides and The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp). http://www.4weekstoanewyou.com/ 

It has been just what I needed.  

I was suffering from lack of motivation and couldn't seem to get my butt back on the wagon for more than a couple days at a time.  The feeling of helplessness and the fear that I'd never get myself back to a good place was not helping my eating issues.  

Now I'm happily down 7 lbs and some inches.  Plus,  my endurance is improving and I'm starting to see some muscle under the softness.  Hopefully soon my daughter won't be pinching my batwings anymore.

I've allowed myself a few treats here and there but have gotten back to it immediately.  If I make a mistake I don't toss it in and say, "well that's that I messed up I might as well do it good!"  

A saying comes to mind:
'If you drop your phone you don't say well that's it I might as well stomp on it and smash it to pieces."

There are some very obese people in my family and I know it's in my genes to get quite large.  And while I don't want to necessarily want to be on a diet my whole life I do realize some self control is a must. 

I've started saying to myself, "Would I let my kids have as much of this as they could eat or would I set a limit?" 

 If it's not something I would let my children eat a whole bunch of then why the heck am I eating it like I'm never going to see it again?

I feel like I'm rambling so I probably am.  The whole point I wanted to make is:  
I've put in some work this month.  
I've been sore as heck from my workouts but I don't regret one minute.  
I'm feeling so much more upbeat and more like my old self than I have in a very long time.
I don't want to be the fifty year old woman who needs a cane because she has gained too much weight and her joints are crying.
I don't want to be the fifty year old who needs to have hip replacement surgery, when I could have done some preventative self care to avoid such things.  (yes, I have an aunt who has had both hips replaced quite young).

Almost there

My daughter is seven and is almost done grade two.  I home school her and she "officially" has 8 days of school left as we are working our way through 9 modules of 18 days each.  I thought with the end being so near she'd be chomping on the bit to be finished and would want to do more so she was finished for the summer.
This, however, has not been the case.  I have been hearing more "I can't do it" or simply "I'm not doing it" complete with the mutinous expression than I have since the beginning of the school year.
I'm with her BUT I know that if she simply buckled down she could be done this week.  Then she could have her beloved summer holidays complete with swimming lessons, dance camp, and branding at Nana and Papas.
Why oh why do children have to be so difficult?? LOL right??  'Cause if I don't laugh I will surely cry.

Go to bed already!!

How is it that I am so tired and yet here I sit, yet again, contemplating what I should do?

I want to finish that episode of Hart to Hart (yes I'm addicted to 70-80s TV shows, Rockford Files, Remington Steele, Magnum PI).  I really should try and read a couple chapters of the library book I've had out for a week.  Oh crap, I haven't written in my journal yet.  The dogs need to go out.  On and on, I do this almost every night and then wonder why the heck I'm dragging my butt when my girls get up in the morning.

Do other moms do this?  Try to cram as much into their couple hours of me-time at night as they possibly can??

Getting Better

It's been about three and a half weeks since the pityriasis rosea showed up out of the blue. I have way more more sympathy for people with skin issues. This itching has been awful since it covered my entire front wrapping around my sides and going into my inner thighs. The rash is slowly fading now, though it is still a bit itchy, it is so much better than it was.
The best thing I've found for dealing with the symptoms of this have been: 30-40 minute tepid, colloidal oatmeal baths (grinding oatmeal to a powder and the putting it in a cheesecloth bag), Skinfix body repair paste (i found it at well.ca and bought the largest size) and sweet almond oil. I've been trying to avoid added scents and additives, going as natural as possible.

Going Natural

I've started down the path to using more natural cleaning products.

I was doubtful that baking soda would clean my disgusting oven.

I sprayed my oven with water and sprinkled a thick layer of soda throughout then wet the soda down with my water sprayer bottle.

I left it like that while I went to town to do errands. 

I really, really didn't want to deal with it when I got home but I took a plastic scraper and tentatively started scraping and much to my surprise the gunk just scraped up.  It was amazing.  I was so happy. 

I've put off cleaning the oven because I didn't want to use the harsh chemicals.  I've been burned twice with that stuff where a drip landed on my arm where my rubber gloves ended; it's nasty stuff.   I was a the point where I would've scrubbed for an hour just to avoid the oven cleaner.  The door needs a little more work, I was focused on the bottom since every time I baked something smoke would start up (a sure sign that it is waaay past time to have cleaned it).

Voila!  Clean oven-took less than ten minutes to scrape and wipe-and no harsh chemicals. 

Rough Start

Well, 2013 is off to a rough start.  Not so bad and I really shouldn't complain because there are others out there so much worse off than myself.  It's more of a small pity party lol
My uncle passed away quite suddenly and that is always a shock.
Then I ended up with a nasty rash called pitysiasis rosea.  The itchiness is driving me crazy.  I was up at 3 in the morning rubbing on lotion early this morning.  I've had it 2 weeks and, of course, I've been researching it online trying to find a way to get rid of it.  BUT there is so much conflicting information out there.  It's viral; it's fungal.  Take a tepid shower; take a hot shower.  You might have it two weeks or two months (or in some cases more than that).  They don't seem to know what causes it.
     It would be so much easier if I knew what to do with it. I've taken baths in: bakings soda, sea salt, powdered ginger, cider vinegar and colloidal oatmeal.  Not all at once, of course. 
     I tried some Aveeno lotion today that's supposed to be for rashes and dry skin and holy it started stinging.  It felt like I'd been dipped in menthol.  I read the ingredient list and lo and behold there is menthol in the Aveeno.  That seems odd to me. 
     So I'm on a mission to see what is going to work the best.  So far I'd have to say the colloidal oatmeal bath was one of the best.  The morning after I did that my rash was pink instead of the angry red it was after my pharmisist had said it was fungal and to use Selsun Blue shampoo on it (you rub the shampoo on and leave it for a few minutes, if you can stand it and shower it off).  After I did this it was bright red and my skin went rough and scaly.  After about the third day it was so tender I could hardly stand it.  To find out if you have the fungal variety you need to go to your doctor and get a sample taken so you know for sure.
     I'm trying to go more natural, no scents.  I've been using sweet almond oil and coconut oil.  It has also been suggested that I try colloidal silver.  So here we go...wish me luck.








































































































 

Everyday Life

I have a picture on my kitchen wall with the caption:

"How we spend our days is how we spend our lives."

True. 

The days seem to be speeding by with my having nothing to show for them.

It's easy to get down on yourself when you're a stay-at-home mom. 

A homemaker.

One of the professions that isn't considered a profession.  Raising children. 

A nearly thankless job sometimes.  You are on call 24/7.  Day and night.  Week in, week out.

I have to remind myself that the time I've had with my girls has gone remarkably fast already. 

When they are graduating high school and getting driver's licenses and getting married it's going to seem like a dream. 

Where did the time go?? 

My parents took them for an overnighter (my hubby was on a trip with the guys) this past weekend.  As I sat enjoying the silence and the ability to eat my meal without having to jump up and get things, it occurred to me that when they leave home I'm going to have so many days like that and the silence is going to be so lonely. 

I alternated between wanting to smile and wanting to cry the whole time they were gone.

Just remember your babies are only small for a short time and everything else can wait until
tomorrow.

New Ways

As tempting as it is to step on the old weight loss resolution train again, I think this year I'm going to forgo the pleasure.  After 35 years it's time to try something different.  I think where I go wrong is that I go whole hog; low calories and lots of exercise.  I lose weight but I also burn myself out and then I don't give a crap anymore.  So this year I'm thinking moderate exercise ( I really do want to start running again but only a couple times a week plus a little bit of toning to keep some of my muscle) and higher calories (more like 1800 calories instead of 1200).  So we'll see how it goes.

Well, I've bit the bullet and joined a group to help me with my Bulimia.

It's hard to admit it out loud.  I don't want people's view of me to change, but something has to change so I can get past this.  I've been doing it far to long and it is getting increasingly hard to hide from my daughters.  They're so inquisitive. 

One day at a time, one hour, one minute until I can say I'm recovered.  Fully.

Mommy, are you fat?

My oldest daughter recently asked me, "Mommy, are you fat?"
I replied with a resounding, "NO!".  Then asked her, "Do I look fat?"
She said, "No, but when your shirt comes up your tummy kinda is."
Ah, stretch marks.  Gotta love 'em.
Well honey my tummy is never going to look smooth ever again there's always going to be that pooch there unless I get some work done.

Then, the other day we were all laying in bed together, my hubby and the two girls and the toy poodle, and I had my legs propped up against the head board because I suffer from varicose veins.  I was wearing shorts because we are in the middle of our once-a-year heat wave and my DD#1 says, "Your legs are jiggly."  Jeez, give a girl a break all ready.

Granted I could stand to lose ten pounds but still it's tough to hear when your kids start to notice your jiggly parts.  I'm also trying to not be on a "diet" but to focus on healthy foods and exercise to keep our hearts and muscles strong to help my daughters.  I've been on a diet since I was in elementary school and I don't want that for my girls.

So here's to little girls with inquisitive minds who are encouraged to voice their opinions, and to a future of girls who aren't dieting but are strong in mind and body.

Newest Distractions

My hubby surprised me by buying a couple little pygmy nanny goats.  He insists that he hates goats.  Hmmm.  My tough guy doesn't seem to dislike them as much as he says he does.  Me thinks he protests too much...
Besides who could hate something that is so darn cute.  You be the judge.

Popper and Bella

Bella

Popper

I had Pygmy goats when I was a kid and they were great pets so I'm sure my girls are going to love them. 

Rain Rain Go Away

Good grief I think it has been raining for a week, that's most likely an exaggeration but it sure would be nice to see the sun.  I have fencing and outdoor work to do and I don't have proper rain gear.  I guess my winter coat would work but I don't want to rip it on barbed wire when I'm stapling up fallen wires.  It can wait, I suppose, since the cows aren't coming until the end of June but I feel so guilty when the hubby is out getting soaked in the rain and I'm watching from the window drinking a hot cup of tea.  But it was his idea to move the fence out.  He gets bored when he's home, he's not the type to sit on his butt day after day.  So he makes projects for himself and I somehow get drug into them.

My garden is in under the protective covering of the greenhouse and is growing so nice.  Most people around here haven't even got their gardens in yet since it's been a bit chilly and wet.  The only problem I have now is with the ants that have taken up residence, they seem to think the greenhouse is an ideal place to be.  So I've been digging out the worst of them and drowning the rest every time I go out.  I'm trying to make life as unpleasant for them as I can without resorting to poisons, hopefully they get the hint.

The DH has also bought a couple pygmy nanny goats.  I had pygmy goats when I was a teenager and I loved them.  A dog ended up killing most of my small herd and it broke my heart.  I didn't ask for them though I really think it's going to be nice getting some critters again.  The girls should love them too.  The hubby just keeps saying, "I don't know why I'm doing this, I hate goats!"  How can anyone hate something that is so cute.  They should be weaned mid-June and now we have to get them a pen and shelter.

My DD#1 has been hounding me to go bike riding.  I remember bike riding a lot as a kid but it sure hurts the rear end now.  The upside is it should help with the weight loss efforts.

So despite the rain it is nice to look out and see the green grass growing and the new leaves on the trees.