Nostalgic

I was just looking out the window watching my daughters. My littlest one is 2 today. It seems like just yesterday I was in the operating room, so scared and I could hardly wait to meet her. Helpless and depending on me for everything. Babies are such miracles.
Now she's 2 and independent. She knows her mind. She starting to hold her own against her older sister.
Yesterday we had our first rain of spring that didn't turn into snow. I was in bed early, like at 9:00. The sky was overcast and I could hear the rain tapping on something outside. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my dad would put upside down buckets outside our windows and encourage us to leave our windows open so we could hear the music of the rain. I love that sound. I would've left the window open too but it was a little on the chilly side. It's still a little cold this morning, which is why instead of rain it is snowing lightly. Oh well, at this point we need the moisture however we can get it.
My dad was over trying to work in the garden yesterday. It was so powdery when he was trying to rototill that we had to turn the sprinkler on for a while. My dd#1 was in her glory helping Grandpa. He put too many leaves on it last year and discovered this when he got them all spread around. So she helped him get some of them off. I'm glad my parents live so close. I want my children to have memories of them.
My paternal grandfather died a year before I was born so I obviously have no memories of him but his resemblance to my dad makes me wonder how much my dad is like him. My maternal grandfather died when I was 5 or 6 so I have a few memories. More feelings than actual memories. I just remember I loved him so much that when I was little I sat in my room for a long time crying and asking God to bring him back. I still miss him and wish I could remember more. My paternal grandmother died when I was 9 so if I think hard I can remember specific memories. Her house always smelled like baking unless she was going out and then it smelled like burned hair. So I have made it to 30 and I still have my maternal grandmother. I do have good memories of her from when I was little but once my uncle had kids it was like the rest of us really didn't matter. I also realize she felt bad because the Christmas after my one cousin was killed when he was 10 she actually got every grand kid a present. Just small but that was OK.
Which brings me to my dh's grandparents. They treated me like one of their own. His maternal grandfather died before we got married and I only met him once. He was in a home and had Alzheimer's. Dh's paternal grandmother was a sweetie but she smoked like a chimney and ended up with cancer after we got married. My hubby cried so much when we spread her ashes. It was at sunset and it was beautiful out. His dad climbed to the top of an old house on their ranch (the house his parents lived in when they were first married I think) and let the ashes fly in the breeze. I imagine she was there watching us. Dh's paternal grandfather died after a branding so he'd seen the whole family that day. He'd gone home, had a piece of pie and died in his bed that night. We got the call and later that day I miscarried my first pregnancy. Rough week.
Now for dh's maternal grandmother, she's still with us and always remembers to send birthday cards. She's the grandmother I always wanted mine to be. She is very special to me. But recently they discovered she has a tumor, she's on the priority list because she is also bleeding and has had to have blood transfusions. They are going to do radiation this time. They didn't when she had cervical cancer in 2007. They thought they got it all with the hysterectomy, I guess. She is also suffering from a bladder infection and something has happened to her knee recently so she can't walk. I know things must be serious because my hubby's aunt has flown up from Ontario. It makes me just heart sick. I'm not ready to not have her here. I don't want to have to explain to my 4 year old what is going on. So I'm going to pray, even though I'm not particularly religious, that we have more time with her.

I'm Back

I can't believe it has been 6 months since I last did a blog. Honestly, it didn't feel that long. Time sure has a way of getting away from you.
So many things have happened since Sept.
My dd#1 turned four. She has recently quit wetting the bed. She's so excited that she's not in night time diapers anymore. Me too.
Christmas has come and gone.
We sold our steers in the fall and just recently sold our heifers. Sometimes I wonder if having the cows is all it's cracked up to be though. We just got our income taxes done and we owe over $2000 because of our un-taxed income. It makes me want to cry.
We paid off a loan and year ahead of schedule. Whoo hoo! Now the extra money will go on the truck loan. When the hubby isn't working (due to spring breakup or something-oilfield is a touchy career) that's the loan that kicks the hell our of our finances. So maybe in under 2 years that one will be gone as well. Here's hoping.
DD#2 has gotten her big girl bed. She loves it. Now if we could just get her so she wasn't crying at night. She wakes up at least once a night and screams her head off or comes down to our room for a visit. The other night she did that 3 or 4 times, it's worse than having a newborn. I can't remember what a full, uninterrupted night of sleep feels like.
I recently joined a writer's group, there are 5 or 6 other members. I felt so invigorated after our last meeting. I was talking to adults about something other than potty training.
DD#2 is also potty trained, mostly. She still has accidents but she's not even 2 yet so I think that's pretty good.
Well, I must be off. It's night time and all is quiet. This is my writing time so I shouldn't spend too much of it here. I can't promise I'll be more faithful to my blog but I will try. Until next time take care.

what a week!

Yeah I think I kinda missed a week. Whoops. Kept meaning to catch up the next day and then the next. But somehow it just didn't happen.
My hubby went away to work again. That always sends me on the spin cycle for a day or better until I just get too busy and tired for it to bother me. Then the girls and I get into a routine and he comes home and sometimes messes it up. But it is worth it. My dd#1 is really getting where she misses him. She'll say she just doesn't care about anything but you know she's missing someone. The little one doesn't really seem to care one way or another. She just gets mad when you don't let her have the phone when he calls. She says "allo" then she just smiles and doesn't say anything else. She is only 17 months old so you know. She has taken to screaming lately, about everything. High pitched and at the top of her lungs. It is driving me absolutely nuts.
The weather is so crazy here. Last week my girls were wearing their sundresses and this week they are wearing toques. It might even snow this weekend. I am hoping not. I guess we made it to Oct better than the snow we got in August last year. But still if it didn't snow til Dec my feelings would not be hurt.
I finally joined a site for bulimics. I have been this way for so long I don't even remember when it started. All I know is I need to recover. It's getting to be hard hiding it from my girls. I've been hiding it for years but it is time to get it done with. So hopefully I can. No wrong attitude. I will accomplish what I am setting out to do. I just need to start taking a little me time. A moment to relax at the end of the day. So I'm going to go do that right now. A bath, a book and a cup of tea. Then hope to heavens that the girls sleep through the night. Good night!

Yes, I did miss my Wed blogging but with good reason. The hubby has been working away since Sat and the job hit a snag so he came home Tues night. He decided to use his first day off in 3 weeks going to the city. Not what I would have chose but to each his own. We had to take the girls because my parents were packing getting ready for a week long vacation. I really, really missed my day off.
I'd all ready been to the city on Monday. I took my suburban which held everybody, my mom, sister and brother plus the girls. The girls were not on their best behavior. They spent a lot of time crying in stores probably why my siblings made themselves scarce, often.
The youngest had a good reason for being grumpy. Sunday she burnt her finger on the lawn mower muffler. I was filling it with gas and couldn't even grab her and before I knew it she touched it. So she has a burn the length of her pointer finger and one in the tip of her middle finger. Even though I know it wasn't my fault and that things happen it still makes you feel awful.
Anyways, we spent Wed in the city as well. Yeah. The hubby needed a new cell phone and also a new carrier as he has been getting a lot of dropped calls. Not great for work. So $350 later he was set up. Yikes! Thank goodness he's been working a lot lately. We got home about 4 then he had to go get the gravel truck for hauling contaminant out of a plant. He'll probably do that the rest of the week.
My poor baby. I really dropped the ball this week. I don't know where my head is. She's been waking in the middle of the night again. I thought it was a faze so I most of the time just let her cry for a few minutes (no more than 5 or 10) and she goes back to sleep. But I was changing her diaper and she was fussing and I got a glimpse of a molar poking through. I should've guessed but I didn't. Feel stupid much? Oh yeah.
I was in my shed the other day. I heard a soft shushing noise and went looking for it. It you can believe it it was a butterfly with a ripped wing. Just raising and lowering its wings trying to escape. If I'd been braver I would've put it out of its misery. But I didn't. I took it out to the garden so it could die somewhere nice instead of the dark shed. Lame, I know. My hubby would just laugh if he read this.
I also discovered a mouse in the house Sunday. Yuck. I came down the hall and there it was scurrying under the dishwasher. So Tues I finally got around to cleaning. I pulled out the stove and cleaned under it. Since the dishwasher is right next to it there is an open space so I put down mouse poison. It's where I know my girls are definitely not going to get into it. The hubby put down traps when he got home. But that mouse keeps eating the peanut butter off of them. I just want it gone. I hate killing creatures but if something comes into my house and is making a mess and crapping all over things it's got to go. Sorry.
That I guess brings me to today. I was planning on spending the day just getting caught up on housework and paying bills etc. Instead I get a call from my mom. They were almost ready to leave and they got a call from neighbors to the east. The cows were on there land. So I took the girls and dropped them off for Mom to watch. Dad and I went over and chased cows in and then proceeded to spend the next 2 1/2 hours fixing fence. These cows of ours have absolutely no respect for fences. I'll be so glad when we can truck them east back to the in laws. I'm not a cow person. I hate seeing them so cute knowing that they're heading to the slaughterhouse someday. I do eat beef but I have trouble looking them in the eye. So I try to avoid them as much as possible. My hubby isn't really a cow person either but we got them given to us so how do you say, "no thanks." In the fall when we sell the money is a big relief because work is usually so slow in the winter.
So I think I'm done. The youngest is having a nap and the oldest is watching Diego. I think I need to sit with a book and a cup of tea.

Busy Busy

Today I'm definitely not getting in as much writing as I would like.
First, I took the girls over to Moms and by the time I walked home again it was about 10:30.
Then, I had to hang out the laundry and clean bathrooms. Stuff has been building up lately so I did some windows, vacuumed and mopped.
I'm also making homemade chicken noodle soup since we had roast chicken for supper last night I'm making it from scratch. Must be feeling ambitious.
I was down another pound this week so that's 19.5 down and 2 to go. Whoo hoo!
I'm reading, Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Miss Prym. I am really getting a lot out of his books lately.
I feel like I'm floating aimlessly when it comes to spiritual matters. After years and years of going to church, I just don't feel that is the best place for me. I've opened my mind to many different possibilities as my parents have. I just want to feel inner peace and contentment.
I had so many ideas for this blog this week. I'll have to start jotting ideas down during the week since my memory is not what it used to be.

Another Wed.

Today is the day I really look forward to. My mom takes my girls and I'm able to do whatever I want. I can write, watch movies, clean house (haha just kidding), work on art or scrapbook or lay in bed and read all day. It my time to regain a bit of myself.
I'm trying to get in the habit of doing this blog on Wednesdays. That way I don't have any distractions. No trying to type with kids hanging off of my legs and screaming. I love my girls but the screaming is really getting to me. The littlest one is coming into her personality and the older one is having a hard time with this. She can't understand why dd#2 screams when she takes something away.
I've been doing something about my weight lately. I'm down 18 pounds with only another 3-5 to go. It actually came off relatively easy once I set my mind to it. It's just good to be back in my clothes and be back in general. No spare tire around the middle. Yeah!
Now I'm trying to decide on writing goals for this week. I've been giving a lot of thought to writing fillers and articles for magazines. I'm kind of sorry I didn't pay more attention to the non fiction side of things with some of the courses I did. I went in focused on fiction and did well with that but I think that non fiction might be what I need to be doing. I know it's awful but I need to make a bit of money to help out. For what I'm qualified for that would mean a minimum wage job, which would be fine. I've done it before. Except now I have two children who need to be looked after and that costs money. So I'd probably be working just to pay for child care. So not a big help.
My hubby is always after me to finish my book. Yes, but to what end. Just because I finish it doesn't mean it will ever be published. I know, there's that bad attitude coming out again. But I feel like I'm just being realistic. And if I do finish it and sell it, it's not going to help us now.
But I guess I should quit lamenting and go get something useful accomplished.
It's my day.

Starting Again...

I know it has been two months at least since I wrote in here. I'm not going to make excuses (well not too many). Summer always seems to be the time when we take a break and let things slide. My writing has been one of the things hardest hit. I had been trying to get my book finished by July 31 but alas, it is still only on chapter 8 or 9.
I am working on a new endeavor, though, writing non-fiction. It was always one of the things I passed up in my courses. I always wanted to further my fiction story writing. Now I wished I'd paid a little more attention to the non-fiction side of things. I need to find a job. My hubby is not sure how work is going to hold up this winter with the oilfield. He's been taking everything and anything, often working away from home.
I'm so thankful for him but I am feeling supremely guilty that I'm not contributing to our household financially. I know I keep the house, watch the girls etc. I know I'm not just a housewife and mother but still... Also, the only things I'm qualified for are minimum wage jobs, there is almost no point going. I can't expect free childcare and free gas.
So I am turning to my writing, the one thing that I have been taking classes and doing since I left high school. Now I just need to submit. Why does that always seem like the hardest step to take? My mind keeps telling me, "what do you know? Nobody's going to want that stuff." According to any instructor I've had I can do it. The last one told me, "it's time to take the training wheels off and go." Or something to that effect.
So today, finally, after much delaying and procrastinating, I'm going to find a place to send at least one short story and see if I can make some headway on writing some fillers.
Start small.