So Simple

You eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Simple, right?
I've been delving into when my eating troubles started.  It seems I may have been a compulsive eater for longer than I thought.  I remember one time we were camping and my uncle said something like, "you can't eat all that."  I'm not sure what I was trying to prove, but I do remember the feeling of being so full and feeling sick.  Another time we were at a banquet and someone said, "You can't eat all that."  It was a huge plate of mashed potatoes, massive, way too much for any child under the age of ten to eat.  Too much for anybody to eat.  But I did it.  What the heck was I trying to prove?
Then we skip ahead to when I was about 13 or 14.  My parents had started homeschooling us.  Even though I really disliked school (I was so shy) I missed seeing the friends that I'd had since I was 5.  I was lonely.  I remember just stuffing my face with something odd -bran muffins stuffed with butter and raisins (there was many more instances but that's the one I remember).  I snuck upstairs so no one would see me and stuffed myself, but I was still lonely. 
It seems I have a habit of not letting myself feel my feelings and using food to stuff the emotion down.
I recently discovered this when my hubby's grandmother died.  I loved her.  I ate and ate for two days not wanting my children to see me lose it and bawl my eyes out.  Then the kids went with the hubby for a couple hours and the floodgates opened and I felt lighter, released from my food demons for a while.  But the day of the funeral, not wanting to let people see me cry I stuffed my face with so many sweets and sandwiches, and onion rings on the way home.  I was in agony on our three hour drive home and when we arrived got sick, I didn't even have to make myself throw up.  Honestly, it may a been a touch of the flu since I'd been feeling a little sick all day.  And yet I stuffed myself.  Yep, I know it doesn't make sense but there is no logic here.  Just trying to not feel the emotions.
Why not let myself feel the emotions?  The pain isn't going to kill me or hurt me.
If I confront what's really bothering me instead letting everything build up inside me until I blow up or stuff the anger down with food.
My eyes have been opened. 
This is still going to take a long time to work through, it is such a habit.  I don't want to live a half-lived life.  I want to feel utter joy and happiness.  I realize that means I need to feel the other side of the spectrum too, the grief, the sadness, the pain. 
But it won't kill me and won't it be worth it?

She's Gone

We were at a Christmas party Saturday night when we got the news.  Grandma passed away.
We were supposed to visit her on Sunday. 
I didn't get to say, "Goodbye."
She would've been 81 today.  I know she was suffering, slowly slipping away, not getting enough air...
But I'm still having trouble knowing that I'm never going to hear her voice again or see her cuddling her great-grand babies.
I miss her.
My DH took our daughters Christmas shopping yesterday and I took the time to have a minor breakdown.
I cried and cried.  Cleansed myself.  I'd felt the grief clawing up my throat threatening to choke me.  It was a relief to finally release it, somewhat.
Now the funeral...

Death in the Family

My mother-in-law just emailed, and Grandma has decided against doing anymore blood transfusions.  The doctors give her two weeks, maybe more.  The DH grandma has been more of a grandmother to me than my own. 

My paternal grandmother died when I was 9 and my maternal grandmother is still alive and kicking.  She's one of those people who should have maybe considered not having kids.  She seems to thrive on the chaos and guilt she creates.  I love her but sometimes...

Anyways, my hubby's grandmother is the type that always remembers to send a card and she tucks a little cash inside.  The card is what matters though, I have every card she's sent me.  She makes an effort for her family and we're all going to miss her terribly.  She's a real sweetheart.  I just hate the thought that Grandma isn't going to make it to Christmas. Maybe she will but I hate to wish for it if it will cause her anymore pain (cervical cancer). I don't want her to suffer.


We lost my great uncle this past week.  He just missed his 100th birthday, he really wanted to hit the 100 but the mind was strong and the body was weak.  Now I'm just waiting for the vultures to land,  they've been circling for a while.  He had no children of his own so it's going to be a fight between the nieces and nephews.  My parents are going to steer clear of the whole thing.  My dad will attend the funeral tomorrow.

Well, I think that's all I'm going to write.  I don't want to blather and drag it out.  Death is a fact of life, and both Grandma and great uncle have lived theirs to the fullest. 
I should do the same.

Old Movies

I recorded some old movies from TCM the other night.  Don Knotts movies-Herbie goes to Monte Carlo and The Incredible Mr. Limpett- the kids love them.  They laughed and laughed when Herbie did his classic car-catwalk, as my daughter called it.  I'm going to look for some more classic Disney movies for them.
I have a huge collection of Katherine Hepburn movies and my sister has Marilyn Monroe.  We grew to love the classics when we were kids and didn't have access to TV because we didn't have an antenna.  But we did have a VCR, eventually.  At first we rented a VCR and movies for a treat but after a while when the price came down we bought one.  But our parent's were very picky about what we watched, our selection usually being what we could get at the church library, hence classics with any bad language bleeped out.   That was all we needed to develop a love of classics.  My favorite actors being Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy, Cary Grant, and James Stewart.  Also, Gracie Burns was absolutely hilarious.

Getting Ready

Today I polished up my story.  I also had a gal from my writer's club do a quick critique on it. 
Now I have my address, easy enough to find on page 3.  I don't get it when I hear all these people saying they can't find an address for them.  They don't have a strong web presence but they aren't a web magazine so there you go.
  All I need is a proper envelope and it's off.  That will be the start for my rejection letters.
  I think I'm a good writer but I know that rejection is part of the process and I think I've accepted that. 
So Woman's World here I come.

Book update

I am writing chapter 9 of my book this month.  I'm really fighting the urge to go back and start editing but I must finish it first.


My writing group has issued a challenge for this month; to get something sent out.  So I've wrote a short story and I'm getting it ready to send out.  This post will serve as a reminder for when I sent it out.

Time is cruising by

I sometimes feel like time is passing me by.
I don't feel like I've done the things I should have with my life.
Not that I'm depressed or unhappy quite the contrary.  I like my life the way it is.  Except I have these thoughts that if I look back in ten or twenty years I'll have regrets that I didn't work harder to get published or have some sort of career.
But I don't want to work just to be working.  I want to do something I love because why spend your whole life doing something you don't enjoy.  
My DD#1 turned 5 on Wednesday and I was looking at her baby pictures feeling a little melancholy for lack of a better word.   She's such a big girl now and I really am glad that baby stage is over.  But it makes me sad to think that in 5 years she'll need me less and then in ten years she'll be a temperamental teenager and then she'll will leave me.  I read somewhere once that kids get so they annoy the heck out of you so that when it is time for them to spread their wings and fly you're more than ready to give them the boot out of the nest.  Because if you had to let them go as babies or small children it would rip your heart out. 
So the progression of time has a purpose.

Catching up

Halloween!
It'll be fun to actually participate this year. Last year at this time I was spending time in the hospital with my youngest daughter. I made the mistake of taking her for the flu shot the day after she'd had her 18 month immunizations. Febrile seizures, two of them, scared the crap out of me. But we are all healthy this year, knock on wood.
DD#1 is going to be Snow White and DD#2 is Cinderella. They love to be princesses. DD#1 cracks me up (she's almost 5) yesterday they tried on their costumes and she came up to me and said I was the queen and called me your majesty. Where does she come up with this stuff?
I'm getting where I want to be weight wise. I bought the book The Mayo Clinic Diet and also started running now I am lighter than I have been in ten years. It feels great. Holiday season is approaching so I hope I can keep it up.
I also bought a Body Bugg http://www.bodymedia.com/ I always love gadgets and this one keeps tabs on my activity and keeps me moving. A pedometer on steroids.
My greenhouse was a success. I actually had produce from my garden; lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, spinach and peas. So I was quite disappointed when it was time to pull up the plants and call it quits for the year.
I've also undertaken another challenge for this year. DD#1 is in kindergarten and I've chosen to home school her. I really like it and I think she does too. I wouldn't miss seeing her learning how to read and write. Why should someone else get the joys? I don't want to miss anything with my children.
I'm trying to think of what else to make up for the month lapse here. I could promise that I'll be better at keeping up to date but why make empty promises. Not that I don't have good intentions.
Until next time then.

Greenhouse

We were busy over the weekend. I finally got my greenhouse. My hubby decided to humor me and build me one since I found a fairly inexpensive plan for one. I think he was afraid I would undertake the endeavor myself and cost him money and make a mess.

We made a few changes to the plan I found. I got lucky too. My sister works for a greenhouse and they re-skinned one of there greenhouses and gave the plastic to her. There were only a couple tiny rips which will be easy to Red Green (duck tape). So I didn't have to buy plastic which lessened the cost even more. We also had the rebar. We had to special order the 3/4" pvc pipe. We found out that a friend of my hubby's could've gotten it for half the price. Oh well it's done now.

We got it up just in time. There is another winter weather warning out for our area. So we'll see how she holds up. I'm really not worried. But we'll see.

It will be nice to have a place to garden and be out of the weather. It'll also be nice to have a garden that produces. It sucks when you put one in and then it gets froze. It's very disappointing.

snow snow go away

We woke up to at least 10"of snow this morning. At least we still had power, at least until about 10:30 or so then it was off until 6ish. Try explaining to your 2 year old that you're not being mean there is simply no power to watch Dora. Then she screamed at me for not turning the light on in the bathroom. Luckily, I have a 4x4 and my hubby, who got called into work this morning do to snowplowing, plowed us out on his way by (gotta love them job perks). It was nice to be able to get out and go when the girls were driving me crazy being cooped up. I bundled them up and we went to my mom and dad's house, which is close. My aunt and uncle are visiting for a few days and it's been a long time since I've visited with them.
While we were there my dd#2 had a nap and when she got up she was sitting on my lap and vomited all over me and herself. My aunt was right in there with the kitty litter. I had to go outside and rub snow on my pants to try and get the stuff off me. Then I still smelled awful so my aunt sprayed me with Febreeze.
I'm trying to plan my greenhouse. We are supposed to be building it this weekend but we'll see if the snow is gone by then. I'm doing a pvc hoop greenhouse that I found on http://www.albertahomegardening.com/how-to-build-an-inexpensive-hoop-style-greenhouse/ We already ordered the pvc and I'm so excited. Last year the garden was a dismal failure. We planted late because it was cold and then we got frost in June. So this year I was determined to do something different. I'm putting this right over my existing garden and I'm going to build a couple raised growing beds. My mom would like them to be about 36" high so she doesn't have to be on her knees. I have trouble with my knees too so I think that would be ideal. Also, it would keep the slugs out of the lettuce. EEEW!
Now I just have to figure out how to build the raised beds with minimal help and money. My hubby is already freaking out thinking this is going to be a greenhouse full of weeds. I'm scouring the web looking for a plan I like so we'll see. It should be cheap to fill. My sis works at a commercial greenhouse so I should be able to get the stuff I need at cost. Yay!
Well, here's hoping the snow stays away now. I just about killed myself shoveling snow off the trampoline this morning.

Nostalgic

I was just looking out the window watching my daughters. My littlest one is 2 today. It seems like just yesterday I was in the operating room, so scared and I could hardly wait to meet her. Helpless and depending on me for everything. Babies are such miracles.
Now she's 2 and independent. She knows her mind. She starting to hold her own against her older sister.
Yesterday we had our first rain of spring that didn't turn into snow. I was in bed early, like at 9:00. The sky was overcast and I could hear the rain tapping on something outside. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my dad would put upside down buckets outside our windows and encourage us to leave our windows open so we could hear the music of the rain. I love that sound. I would've left the window open too but it was a little on the chilly side. It's still a little cold this morning, which is why instead of rain it is snowing lightly. Oh well, at this point we need the moisture however we can get it.
My dad was over trying to work in the garden yesterday. It was so powdery when he was trying to rototill that we had to turn the sprinkler on for a while. My dd#1 was in her glory helping Grandpa. He put too many leaves on it last year and discovered this when he got them all spread around. So she helped him get some of them off. I'm glad my parents live so close. I want my children to have memories of them.
My paternal grandfather died a year before I was born so I obviously have no memories of him but his resemblance to my dad makes me wonder how much my dad is like him. My maternal grandfather died when I was 5 or 6 so I have a few memories. More feelings than actual memories. I just remember I loved him so much that when I was little I sat in my room for a long time crying and asking God to bring him back. I still miss him and wish I could remember more. My paternal grandmother died when I was 9 so if I think hard I can remember specific memories. Her house always smelled like baking unless she was going out and then it smelled like burned hair. So I have made it to 30 and I still have my maternal grandmother. I do have good memories of her from when I was little but once my uncle had kids it was like the rest of us really didn't matter. I also realize she felt bad because the Christmas after my one cousin was killed when he was 10 she actually got every grand kid a present. Just small but that was OK.
Which brings me to my dh's grandparents. They treated me like one of their own. His maternal grandfather died before we got married and I only met him once. He was in a home and had Alzheimer's. Dh's paternal grandmother was a sweetie but she smoked like a chimney and ended up with cancer after we got married. My hubby cried so much when we spread her ashes. It was at sunset and it was beautiful out. His dad climbed to the top of an old house on their ranch (the house his parents lived in when they were first married I think) and let the ashes fly in the breeze. I imagine she was there watching us. Dh's paternal grandfather died after a branding so he'd seen the whole family that day. He'd gone home, had a piece of pie and died in his bed that night. We got the call and later that day I miscarried my first pregnancy. Rough week.
Now for dh's maternal grandmother, she's still with us and always remembers to send birthday cards. She's the grandmother I always wanted mine to be. She is very special to me. But recently they discovered she has a tumor, she's on the priority list because she is also bleeding and has had to have blood transfusions. They are going to do radiation this time. They didn't when she had cervical cancer in 2007. They thought they got it all with the hysterectomy, I guess. She is also suffering from a bladder infection and something has happened to her knee recently so she can't walk. I know things must be serious because my hubby's aunt has flown up from Ontario. It makes me just heart sick. I'm not ready to not have her here. I don't want to have to explain to my 4 year old what is going on. So I'm going to pray, even though I'm not particularly religious, that we have more time with her.

I'm Back

I can't believe it has been 6 months since I last did a blog. Honestly, it didn't feel that long. Time sure has a way of getting away from you.
So many things have happened since Sept.
My dd#1 turned four. She has recently quit wetting the bed. She's so excited that she's not in night time diapers anymore. Me too.
Christmas has come and gone.
We sold our steers in the fall and just recently sold our heifers. Sometimes I wonder if having the cows is all it's cracked up to be though. We just got our income taxes done and we owe over $2000 because of our un-taxed income. It makes me want to cry.
We paid off a loan and year ahead of schedule. Whoo hoo! Now the extra money will go on the truck loan. When the hubby isn't working (due to spring breakup or something-oilfield is a touchy career) that's the loan that kicks the hell our of our finances. So maybe in under 2 years that one will be gone as well. Here's hoping.
DD#2 has gotten her big girl bed. She loves it. Now if we could just get her so she wasn't crying at night. She wakes up at least once a night and screams her head off or comes down to our room for a visit. The other night she did that 3 or 4 times, it's worse than having a newborn. I can't remember what a full, uninterrupted night of sleep feels like.
I recently joined a writer's group, there are 5 or 6 other members. I felt so invigorated after our last meeting. I was talking to adults about something other than potty training.
DD#2 is also potty trained, mostly. She still has accidents but she's not even 2 yet so I think that's pretty good.
Well, I must be off. It's night time and all is quiet. This is my writing time so I shouldn't spend too much of it here. I can't promise I'll be more faithful to my blog but I will try. Until next time take care.